Another untitled post, dunno what the point of my trash write here. I just felt like I need to burst it all out for my own satisfaction.
First of all, I don't know what I really want. All that I do is work, work and keep being busy. And when somebody asking me "why are you so busy" or "what drives you keep being busy", I just reply with "I just felt like liking it"
I have one person who always listen to my problems but that one person is no longer want to listen to my story because that one person said the same thing all over again for years yet I still doing it so. That one person suggest me to meet a psychiatrist instead of sekedar melakukan pengakuan dosa yang berujung pada hal yang sama. That one person is tired of being juru selamat.
Secondly, I am hiring a team to help me with the projects, and it was all such a chaos, but I am lucky enough to realize that I wasn't a good leader. I guess I need to work for a company first before I make my own. I need experience to be learnt, to make me a good leader so that I can make my own firm, or even if I want to teach, I should be a good leader for my own first before lecturing people.
I can't deny that I am ashamed of how the team work, I am angry but I can't express my anger because they are still so fucking hard to get in touch to, and I can't always contact them to asking how's the progress, and in the end I take over several of their works again. And I am stressed out, fucking stressed out.
I have a standard for my work and I always pass that but, since I couldn't controlled my team with the lack of communication, my work were just so fucking bad, it's not worse, it's worst. It's my name, my pride who had to suffer. I cry easier, the mood swing getting worse, I am troubled inside. Maybe I seriously should see a psychiatrist.
Thirdly, I missed being loved, and in love, I just realize that I don't have a friend like I had in Surabaya, it's lonely here, maybe because it's different now that people have their own business so that I need to find a partner, to help me and to support me. I miss the appreciation, oh I miss having a boyf but I don't know whether it is best for me or not.
But yeah, after all of this problems, I really really need to slow things down and focus with things that I commit from the start. Sticking to my priority and keep believe that everything happens for a reason. What I've been struggled now makes the best of me tomorrow.